Condom Use and Erection Problems

One of the mysteries of male sexuality is why putting a condom on so often leads to the loss of a man’s erection.

This happens so often that it deserves to be explained, and some scientific researchers at the Kinsey Institute for sex at Indiana University have indeed looked at the question.

What Cynthia Graham, an associate research fellow, has discovered is that it’s a combination of factors that lead to the loss of erection.

There is the anxiety of sex with a new partner, anxiety about the condom itself (either that it won’t fit, that it’s too tight, or that it will come off, or that it simply will fail in its function) and then there’s also men’s inability to put a condom on correctly.

All of this sounds rather astonishing, since the condom is one of the oldest  methods of birth control, but it turns out that men are willing to risk unprotected sex rather than suffer the indignity of losing their erection when they unroll the condom.

Indeed, men even take condoms off before sex is over, and elect not to use them in new sexual encounters simply because they know they are not going to have a reliable erection when they do use a condom.

Obviously this puts both men and their partners at risk of unprotected sex and consequent infection. The research was conducted among 278 men who had attended a sexual infection clinic in the United States. All the men had used a condom for sex at three times in the 12 weeks preceding their appointment at the clinic. The men answered questions on whether or not they had experienced any loss of erection, the number of sexual partners they had had, how often they had had unprotected sex, and any problems they had with condom breakage or use.

This included issues with the feel of the condom, the condom slipping off during use, and how the condom fitted the penis during sex. Men were also rated for their confidence in applying the condom to the erection in the first place.

Cynthia Graham and her colleagues discovered that at as many as 37% of men had one event of erection loss when they were putting the condom on or during sex in the previous 12 weeks.

Those men who reported losing their erection had in fact also had more unprotected sex than those with no loss of erection — an astonishing 10.6 times more unprotected sex in fact!

Equally astonishing, 40% of the men who lost their erection while using a condom said that they had removed the condom before sex was over.

This is clearly a major issue for sexual health. And the extraordinary thing is that this happens even in the face of the well-known risk of unprotected sex.

Even men who had multiple partners were likely to have problems with loss of erection and lack of condom use, increasing their risk even further.

The issue is fairly major: for one thing, a lot of men are not aware that it is usual to lose your erection during sex. This happens all the time, it’s not in any way unusual for an erection which develops at the beginning of sex to come and go several times. Presumably also, these men don’t know that lots of erection when putting a condom on is also completely normal.

However, this isn’t just an issue about sex education (more specifically, about how to put a condom on); it’s also education about the risks involved in not using condom in the first place, and education about male sexuality – in particular, what expectations around one’s own erectile capacity during intercourse and sexual encounters are realistic.

Erectile dysfunction

Erection Problems / Erectile Dysfunction

Most men seem to have trouble getting hard from time to time.

Believe it or not, the “official” statistics say an episode of erectile dysfunction occurs once every five times people make love.

I can’t say I believe that; at least from my own experience it certainly seems unlikely.

But there are two issues to separate here – the time I lost my erection during sex, it was because we were in a semi-public place, and I thought someone was watching us: this was more than enough to kill the excitement, and, try as I might, I couldn’t get another erection.

But most men who have a problem getting hard will be experiencing this because they are either getting older and their testosterone level is dropping, or they have a physical problem such as diabetes, or they are in some emotional distress, such as being depressed, or they are in a relationship they don’t want to be in, or….well, you get the idea, I’m sure: there are many possible causes of erection problems.

And the same is true of reduced libido, a lack of sexual energy, and of the unusual problem of not being able to ejaculate during sex.

Read more about erectile dysfunction here.

Reduced libido, for example, can be the result of relationship difficulties, low testosterone levels, the use of certain drugs, and so on. That’s why I repeat the suggestion: see a good andrologist (that’s a doctor who specializes in male sexuality).

In young men, just thinking about sex seems to cause erections all the time! This is generally not true for a man in his forties (as I know only too well!).

Thus, erection “difficulties” can be the result of normal ageing. There are various effective ways to get aroused as you get older: for example, porn videos – perhaps because they provide longer lasting stimulation than porn mags – can be effective in stimulating arousal, but increased physical contact and foreplay between partners is usually needed.

Another age-related change is that the length of the refractory period (the time between an ejaculation and the next erection) increases as a man gets older. In young men it can be as little as thirty minutes or even less; in an eighty year old man, it can be as much as a week.

And once an older penis has got hard, it may not stay that way as it did in its owner’s youth.

An older man’s erection is all too easily lost if his mind starts to wander off the subject in hand (so to speak); worse yet, an older man’s penis may occasionally go soft for no obvious reason whatsoever. Oh dear. Age does really wither us. 

But then again, so do many other things, and one of the most important factors in keeping your pecker up, if you will forgive the expression, is the ability to keep a cheerful state of mind in which you believe you will overcome all obstacles, regardless of how serious they seem!

B ut these changes are not all bad, believe it or not. My own experience has been that my reduced sense of sexual urgency has allowed me to be more attentive to arousing my lover, to making sure she has enough time to get to a really turned on place.

And her arousal feeds back to me, making me much more randy, so that when we make love, the result is often a much more powerful orgasm than those I enjoyed in my youth – and it goes on for longer too.

These problems can be fixed. Sometimes erectile problems are caused by leaking valves in the base of the penis, so that even when the blood flow increases into the erectile chambers of the penis, the outlet valves remain open and so the blood pressure can’t build up. Another possibility is that the arterioles supplying blood to the penis are blocked with cholesterol deposits.

Then there isn’t enough blood coming in to produce an erection. In either case, surgery is not recommended, in the way it once was – the results are too unpredictable.

Instead, there are new drugs like Viagra and Cialis (which has fewer side effects and lasts longer). These options are well worth trying. 

By the way hypertension, diabetes and high cholesterol levels can produce sexual problems, so it’s a good ideal to get a complete check-up even if the problem seems to be firmly located right in your genitals.

As much as a quarter of all erectile problems may be the side-effects of prescription medications – and even some over-the-counter products can affect erectile capacity. You can find a complete list of the offending products on the AACE website.

The AACE lists a number of factors that they believe must be taken into account when a patient comes for evaluation of sexual dysfunction:

  • marital status
  • length of relationship
  • health of partner
  • emotional closeness (how comfortable the couple are with each other)
  • similarity of views of the couple
  • level of commitment to each other
  • effectiveness of communication between the couple
  • need for stress therapy or relationship counseling
  • sexual history of the couple – e.g., is the man simply experiencing changes related to ageing?
  • blood chemistry, particularly a hormonal profile

There is a book on ED treatments here. There have been a whole variety of aids to overcome erectile dysfunction developed in the last few years, all designed to keep a man hard and erect, ranging from injections into the penis, through vacuum pumps with rubber rings around the base of the penis to keep the blood in it, through suppositories inserted into the urethra, to the biggest one of all – the removal of the penis’s natural internal erectile chambers and their replacement with steel or plastic rods.

I think a guy would have to be in a very bad way to have such drastic surgery, and the other treatments have pretty much been replaced by Viagra and Cialis.

But even with the assistance of these two excellent drugs, much can be done to reverse the process of erectile dysfunction by ensuring that you keep sexually active and follow some psychological principles about healthy relationships and sexual techniques.

The most common complaint about sexual dysfunction from men is only being able to achieve partial erections, or rapidly going soft after penetration.

Men who have had a problem for a long time need counseling or therapy because they have more psychological changes to address. If erections occur during the night or early morning on awakening, the cause of sexual difficulties may well be psychological.

Erectile dysfunction

As a man gets older it is only natural for his erection is to become less firm and occasionally to disappear completely during sexual activity.  This change in erectile ability with age tends to be gradual and affects a man from his early 50s onwards. 

Statistics show that at least one third of people in their 60s have sexual intercourse once a week or more. 

Many of these episodes of sexual intercourse will end without the man ejaculating – however, this can be seen as a normal age related change in sexual function, and not a sexual dysfunction.

The inability to get an erection can strike a man at any age from his 20s onwards. One episode of erectile failure is not unusual and can affect a man in many different circumstances; the usual cause of erectile failure is anxiety or stress, for example caused by the fear of being discovered having sexual relations, or the fear of getting the woman pregnant. 

Another common cause of erectile dysfunction is some issue of conflict with one’s sexual partner.  Particularly in young men erectile failure is often a good indication that they are not actually ready for sex or that they have an issue with their sexual partner usually that they don’t want to be having intercourse with her) which is causing them stress and anxiety.

Even so, if a man fails to get an erection for the second time in sequence when he is having sexual intercourse he is likely to experience considerable anxiety around his impotence.

The problem is compounded by the fact that impotence or erectile dysfunction is very often seen as a shameful or secretive condition, which means that few men actually seek help for it; this is a shame since the cause of impotence is often completely psychological.  Lack of sexual information, embarrassment, stress or anxiety are all possible candidates to provoke sexual dysfunction of one kind or another.

Even when erectile dysfunction is related to a physical problem such as diabetes, the emotional issues associated with this can be dealt with and this often significantly resolves the erectile difficulties.

Top of the list of therapy strategies for a cure for erectile dysfunction are: constructive discussion with a partner; enhancing communication and knowledge about the condition; performing an accurate diagnosis of both the physical factors involved and emotional factors involved; assessing various treatment alternatives for erectile dysfunction, together with the risks and expected outcomes of each course of treatment; assisting a man to make a plan for his sexual and emotional recovery from erectile dysfunction; and continuing support for any ongoing issues.

Most men experience erection problems in their lives because of alcohol, stress or mental problems. A problem once in a while is not a sign of long term problems or recurrent problems.

Physical health factors affect a man’s ability to get and keep  an erection. You can lose erections just by worrying about your sexual ability – sexual performance anxiety. If you or your partner have a  sexual problem, successful treatment is readily available.

Many men view erectile dysfunction as a real challenge to their self-esteem.

A man may have feelings of sexual inadequacy or sexual guilt because he no longer sees himself as a man. And erectile dysfunction can seem like the first sign of his physical decline toward maturity, old age and inevitable death.

Most men are reluctant to ask for help with erectile dysfunction. These false beliefs are all likely to affect a man’s ability to get an erection, especially as he gets older:

Men shouldn’t express feelings of warmth, love, intimacy or some other “feminine” feelings. Sex is a performance which a man must orchestrate; and of course he is always able and ready to have intercourse.

All intimate physical contact must inevitably lead to sexual intercourse. Naturally, a man must have an erection and it ends in an orgasm…..and so on. These are all false beliefs. 

Symptoms of erectile dysfunction and sexual maturity in men

A longer time to reach an erection, and once obtained, the erection is less firm than previously; a less strong ejaculation than when he was younger; a decrease in volume of semen; erection being lost more quickly after orgasm – or even before orgasm; an increase in the refractory period;

Diagnosis of erectile dysfunction


Assessing sensitivity and nerve function is done by pinprick testing for sensitivity and testing reflexes; blood flow is checked with pulse and penile blood pressure assessment; hormonal status by checking testicle size; prostate through a prostate exam

There will also be blood tests for hormone levels, thyroid function, diabetes and cholesterol level. There may be a stress questionnaire and a simple snap gauge to check for erections during the night.

Treatment for erectile dysfunction

Yohimbine was once a useful first-line treatment for some men with erection problems. It helps about a fourth of all men; side effects include sweating, anxiety, a racing pulse.  Injection therapy, too, was once a very effective treatment for many men, and side effects were reduced with the mix of prostaglandin E-1.

Currently, Viagra is more useful, more pleasant to take, and more acceptable to most men. Devices that produce penile erection by vacuum suction are safe, effective, and economical.

In general, though, the most effective cures for erectile dysfunction are the psychologically based approaches, either behavior therapy or counseling and sexual psychotherapy.

Penile implants are a last resort, and should only be installed surgically when everything else has failed. 

Psychological approaches to dealing with erectile dysfunction

Relaxation helps the whole process of recovery from erectile dysfunction. The substitution of relaxation over anxiety about sexual performance helps to maintain an erection. Among the effects of erectile dysfunction, the needs of the partner must be considered.

Women will have questions and insecurities, and a need for information and reassurance. She must have her anxieties and concerns addressed.

With erectile dysfunction, both members of the couple need to be considered. She may, for example, see her partner’s erection failure as an emotional lie detector (if she believes “All men are always ready for it”.)

She may see an erection as evidence her man loves her or desires her. If so, the absence of his erection means he doesn’t find her attractive.

An erectile dysfunction problem can become a major communication issue really quickly.

A man has an erection problem; he feels ashamed, certainly embarrassed, probably “less of a man,” and so he may withdraw from his partner. With the lack of ability to get erect and sexually perform, he may have a drop in sexual desire or libido. This can escalate into a refusal to kiss, hold or even hug her; he may find reasons to avoid sexual encounters.

He may refuse to discuss the issue, believing it to be more of a character trait or personal failing, so his partner feels rejected, neglected, and undesirable – she may be filled with  self-doubt and wonder about her own attractiveness.

She may think her partner does not care for her and come to the conclusion he is having an affair.

She may be afraid to bring up the subject and so each partner becomes more isolated and miserable.

Women whose partners have erection problems may feel feel inadequate. A woman may even blame herself and feel hurt and angry about her partner’s physical and emotional withdrawal.

What causes an erection?

An erection is caused to develop when the arteries of the penis open up when smooth muscles in the walls of the blood vessels relax. The swelling constricts the veins which drain blood from the penis; they stop blood from escaping.

Clearly, the arterioles which supply the penis must be adequate, and the veins of his penis must not leak. Also, the nerves which coordinate the increase in blood pressure in the penis must function perfectly, and the man must have enough testosterone to feel sexual desire and  get an erection.

How does stress affect erectile dysfunction?

Stress is something you see as harmful or threatening, something which makes your flight or fight response kick off, and produce adrenaline – which is an erection inhibitor.

Continuing stress can cause the body to produce long-term stress hormones like cortisol, which are even more likely to inhibit erection. 

If you have a medical condition which interferes with your erectile capacity, that is even more likely to make your erection disappear: drugs used to deal with high blood pressure, sedatives, anti-acid medications like ranitidine, anti-depressants, tranquilizers, and some pain pills will all have a role in inhibiting erections.

Fortunately, the side effect of impotence is reversible when the dosage is altered, or a different medication is prescribed by the physician.

Medical conditions associated with impotence are diabetes, kidney and liver disease, some heart conditions and various surgical procedures such as cancer surgery of the bowel, bladder, and prostate gland.

Shadow Work: Overcome Emotional Problems!

Shadow work is a process of exploring and integrating the unconscious parts of ourselves.

These parts of ourselves are often hidden from our conscious awareness because they are associated with negative emotions, thoughts, and behaviors. However, the shadow is a vital part of our psyche, and it cannot be ignored or suppressed indefinitely.

The concept of the shadow was first introduced by Carl Jung, a Swiss psychiatrist and psychoanalyst. Jung believed that the shadow is a natural part of the human psyche, and that it contains all of the aspects of ourselves that we deem unacceptable or undesirable. These aspects may include our negative emotions, such as anger, rage, and jealousy; our unwanted thoughts, such as self-doubt and insecurity; and our undesirable behaviors, such as addiction and violence. It can slso includ epositive energies and attributes that for some reason we have decided (unconsciously) to hide from the world.

Video – about shdow work and shadow work facilitator training

About shadow work

About shadow work training

The shadow can be a powerful force in our lives. When it is unconscious, it can manifest in negative ways, such as through self-destructive behaviors, unhealthy relationships, and mental health problems. However, when we become aware of our shadow and integrate it into our conscious awareness, it can become a source of strength and creativity.

Shadow work is a challenging but rewarding process. It requires us to face our fears, our pain, and our darkest secrets. However, it is also an opportunity to grow and heal. By integrating our shadow, we can become more whole and authentic individuals.

Here are some ways to do shadow work:

  • Journaling: Writing about your thoughts, feelings, and experiences can help you to become more aware of your shadow.
  • Meditation: Meditation can help you to access your unconscious mind and to observe your thoughts and feelings without judgment.
  • Therapy: Therapy can provide you with a safe space to explore your shadow with the guidance of a trained professional.
  • Art therapy: Art therapy can help you to express your shadow in a non-threatening way.
  • Shadow work groups: Shadow work groups can provide you with support and community as you explore your shadow.

If you are interested in doing shadow work, it is important to find a method that feels right for you. There is no right or wrong way to do shadow work, and the best approach will vary from person to person. However, any form of shadow work that helps you to become more aware of your shadow and to integrate it into your conscious awareness can be beneficial.

Here are some of the benefits of shadow work:

  • Increased self-awareness: Shadow work can help you to become more aware of the hidden parts of yourself. This can lead to a deeper understanding of yourself and your motivations.
  • Improved relationships: When you are more aware of your shadow, you are less likely to project it onto others. This can lead to more honest and fulfilling relationships.
  • Increased creativity: The shadow can be a source of creativity and inspiration. When you integrate your shadow, you can tap into this hidden potential.
  • Reduced anxiety and depression: Shadow work can help you to heal from past trauma and to reduce anxiety and depression.
  • Increased self-acceptance: When you accept your shadow, you can accept yourself for who you are. This can lead to a greater sense of peace and well-being.

Shadow work can help you get through emotional difficulties by helping you to:

  • Identify and understand your negative emotions. When you are aware of your shadow, you can start to understand the root of your negative emotions. This can help you to stop suppressing or denying these emotions, and to start to process them in a healthy way.
  • Accept your shadow. Once you have identified and understood your shadow, you can start to accept it. This does not mean that you have to like or agree with your shadow, but it does mean that you can stop fighting against it. When you accept your shadow, you can start to integrate it into your conscious awareness and use it as a source of strength and creativity.
  • Heal from past trauma. Shadow work can help you to heal from past trauma by helping you to face your fears and pain. When you can face your shadow, you can start to release the emotions that are holding you back. This can lead to a greater sense of peace and well-being.
  • Develop healthy coping mechanisms. Shadow work can help you to develop healthy coping mechanisms for dealing with negative emotions. When you are aware of your shadow, you can start to identify the triggers that cause you to feel these emotions. This can help you to develop strategies for dealing with these triggers in a healthy way.
  • Build self-compassion. Shadow work can help you to build self-compassion by helping you to understand that your shadow is a natural part of being human. When you can accept your shadow, you can start to be more compassionate towards yourself. This can lead to a greater sense of self-worth and confidence.

If you are struggling with emotional difficulties, shadow work can be a helpful tool for getting through them. However, it is important to remember that shadow work is a challenging process. It is important to be patient with yourself and to seek professional help if you need it.

Here are some specific exercises that you can do to help you with shadow work:

  • Write a letter to your shadow. In this letter, express all of the negative emotions and thoughts that you have about your shadow. This can be a very cathartic experience.
  • Create a shadow box. This is a physical representation of your shadow. You can fill it with objects that represent your shadow, such as pictures, words, or symbols.
  • Meditate on your shadow. Sit quietly and focus on your breath. As you breathe in, imagine that you are breathing in your shadow. As you breathe out, imagine that you are releasing your shadow.
  • Dream journal. Pay attention to your dreams. Your dreams can be a way for your shadow to communicate with you.
  • Talk to a shadow work practitioner. A practitioner can help you to explore your shadow in a safe and supportive environment.

If you are interested in learning more about shadow work, there are many resources available online and in libraries. You can also find shadow work groups and workshops in your area.

How To Enjoy Better Sex

How To Enjoy Better Sex

Many people think that there is only one “normal” or “natural” position for intercourse, the “man on top” sex position. Yet a couple may find they could enjoy sex more in various other sexual positions. In reality, any sexual position is capable of providing delight. But this is not a guarantee of a happy relationship because men sometimes cannot make loe for long enough to provide their partner with pleasure. No surprise, then, that one of the most popular searches on the web is for tips to control premature ejaculation.

A quick climax to physical intimacy (in other words, premature ejaculation!) can deprive the woman of the fulfillment which is her reward from loving her partner. She will perhaps feel that her partner either does not take her needs into account or that he is selfish. And a man who reaches climax with no control often feels like he is a failure in bed.

None of this is helpful for the relationship, especially if the matter is not honestly discussed. However, the fear and shame associated with sexual problems is massively stressful, and the two partners often carry on even though this dynamic continues to erode trust and respect. If you recognize this, you must change things!

First of all, you must speak about it openly: this means you tell your partner what you are feeling. Unfortunately, research shows as few as ten percent of couples talk to each other about intimate problems. So, to help you discuss your thoughts, feelings and emotions around sex, we have some tips to help you:

1) Reveal your emotions – don’t use the tactic of avoiding responsibility by blaming your spouse. Having the ability to listen without judging means you’ll experience much less resistance – and your partner is probably going to be very much more willing and able to listen to what you want to say without judging you.

2) Don’t project your feelings – having the courage to accept that you arein this together is essential to eliminating mutual distrust. Only when you are able to accept that your lover’s actions and feelings are an honest reaction to the issues you face, and that they are entitled to think, feel and act as they do, will you begin to respect each other as you really are.

3) Don’t wallow in self-criticism. Doing something is more constructive. This may require getting the support of a therapist. Or it may mean something as simple as reserving a time every week to speak to your partner about your worries.

4) If you have trouble opening up about difficulties with your love life consider the things you want to “bring to the table” beforehand. Preparing like this is essential in achieving the respect of your partner. It’s also helpful to know where your limits lie in any talk about sex. That way you are be much more likely to avoid concessions you regret.

5) Be clear about why you are raising an issue. It’s often challenging to have full awareness of what’s behind our emotions, and it’s likely you might only fully realize the real issue as you talk about the issue. And, if you are clear what you would like to change, you are more likely to get it. The more genuinely you show yourself, the more honestly you talk about what’s going on for you, the closer you will feel as a couple.

Techniques To Help You Have Better Sex

When you have a clear intention to control premature ejaculation, you should also have a clear set of techniques which will allow you to achieve this goal. These might include sensate focus, visualization, and perhaps self hypnosis. Now, think of the reward that you get from sex. And now imagine how much greater that reward could possibly be if you were not only able to control your ejaculation, but you were also able to give a woman an orgasm during intercourse, or indeed if you were able to experience the thrill and excitement of G spot orgasm during intercourse.

There are techniques that you can use to improve the quality of your sex life enormously, and they go far beyond premature ejaculation control such as the squeeze-technique and the stop-start techniqueYet at the end of the day, improving your sex life in this way such a personal decision that almost nobody can encourage you to do it apart from you yourself. It’s a fact that most men with premature ejaculation don’t rely try to delay their ejaculation. This may be because they lack the internal motivation necessary to seek and achieve a better sex life.

Whether that is achieved by improving one’s relationship with oneself or one’s relationship with the world or one’s relationship with one’s partner, the truth of the matter is that gaining a fantastic sex life is always a matter of intention.

Video – how to please your girl in bed

It’s not always easy, knowing how to please a woman in bed (though this may help!). You need some help, some advice, some knowledge of what women really want. If you’re a guy who’s baffled by the demands of women, stand by for some clarity!

First of all, you need to have time and patience. Oh yes, and some skill, of course. But really, time and patience go a long way. You see, we know it takes ten to twenty times longer to turn a woman on than it takes to turn a man on.

And by “turn on”, we mean get her (or you) ready for sex. That would mean lubricated and wanting to be penetrated in the case of a woman, and erect and ready for penetration in the case of a man.

So – if you have time on your hands, so much the better. Twenty minutes of time before you even look for penetration. And in that time, you are going to stroke, kiss, tease, kiss, stroke, tease… and use your fingers, tongue and lips, as well as the whole of your skin, to give your partner an orgasm. Yes, give her an orgasm. That’s because sex doesn’t finish when a woman comes. (Think how often sex finishes when a man ejaculates. Usually, yes?)

So you are going to do things differently – you are going to take account of her needs. But why, you may be asking, does she need an orgasm before penetration? Well, because (as you may have noticed) few women come from intercourse alone.

And even if you provide additional clitoral stimulation, by using a vibrator, or your fingers, as you make love to her, you may well reach orgasm before she does. And then, where does that leave her? Answer – unsatisfied. Aroused, but hanging on for an orgasm.

Sure, you might say, she can take care of herself. Well, yes. She can. But is that really what you want to have happen here? She’s looking to you for sexual pleasure, and you, my dear man, are most likely wanting to give it to her. After all, most men are highly motivated to give sexual pleasure to their partners.

The first and perhaps the best way of doing this is to use oral pleasure – and I don’t mean by that simply cunnilingus. What I mean is using your lips and tongue to kiss every part of your woman’s body, sensitively and delicately, particularly around the breasts and vulva. Such intimate contact will excite her – without a doubt.

But when you move from the intimate contact of lips on skin to lips on genitals or breasts or nipples, she’s going to feel arousal increasing and her desire to sexual contact will mount quite rapidly. It’s a cunning technique which allows you to arouse a woman AND at the same time stay aroused yourself. (At this point I need to mention the fact that erections come and go during lovemaking. If you lose your erection during lovemaking, it really doesn’t matter. It’ll come back again quickly and easily, as soon as you’re in a position to penetrate your partner.) The key to teasing your partner is to give her a level of stimulation which arouses her so much that she is ready for penetration. You can tell this quite easily by sipping a finger into her vagina just as she starts to get really aroused.

One method which you can use to good effect here is to offer her oral pleasuring on her clitoris whilst you finger the inside of her vagina. This is a great way for you to give her the greatest pleasure as you make love.

Go for the upper wall as she lies on her back – that’s the G spot. Certainly of all the techniques recommended by sex experts on the Internet, and indeed by women themselves in forums where they discuss what they want, this seems to be the featured and favorite technique that brings a woman off time and time again.

It’s the intensity of arousal at the point where she finally comes which makes her orgasm extremely satisfying and pleasurable for her.

And what makes her arousal so high? It’s teasing and skilful manipulation of her feelings which you, as a man, can provide for her. Does it take a lot of imagination to make this “loveplay” (aka foreplay) last for 20 minutes?

Well, up to a point it does, but you can do it! Don’t forget that the reward for you is a woman who reaches orgasm when she is highly aroused. This in itself is hugely exciting for most men – after all, you’ve brought her off! What makes it even better is that once she’s achieved orgasm, she won’t lose interest in sex in the way that you probably do. Indeed, she’d probably be more desirous of penetration, for you to enter her, when she’s come. That way she will enjoy lovemaking to the full.

In fact she is quite likely to be desperate for penetration, and consumed with desire to feel the fullness of you inside her. (With a force equal to your desire to be in her. Felt that, have you? Then you know what she wants, too.)

After she’s come, the soft warm wetness of her vagina will be deeply rewarding and intensely pleasurable to you. And, provided you’re able to last long enough, you may or may not be able to bring her to orgasm again. Sure, this is not guaranteed, but it really doesn’t matter even if you don’t take her to a second orgasm during lovemaking. Think of it as a bonus.

However, what you must do, is to look her in the eyes as you make love. Allow her body to follow your movements. (Coital alignment is good for this.) And, above all, if you’re able to, say her name at the moment of orgasm!  (Better – shout “I love you, [insert name]” as you come. It will have a quite extraordinary effect on her…..)

By doing these things you demonstrate yourself to be a man who is quite exceptional in his lovemaking skills and abilities. You demonstrate sensitivity to her needs which most men won’t even think of showing. As you can well imagine, this is going to establish a much stronger relationship and a more powerful bond between you. But it also makes her happy both inside the bedroom and outside the bedroom.

Truly, you can improve the quality of your relationship immensely by offering her the sexual pleasure and satisfaction she craves. And all it takes are the simple techniques for pleasuring described above.

Video – How To Please A Woman In Bed

Dealing With Erectile Dysfunction

How to deal with erectile dysfunction

Here are some general suggestions that you could consider discussing with a medical professional.

Erectile dysfunction (ED) can have various causes, both physical and psychological. If you’re experiencing persistent ED, it’s important to consult a healthcare provider to determine the underlying cause and receive personalized advice. Here are some steps you could consider:

  1. Consult a Doctor: The first step is to talk to a doctor or a urologist. They can help identify the cause of your ED and recommend appropriate treatment options. Be open and honest about your symptoms, medical history, and any medications you’re taking.
  2. Lifestyle Changes: Sometimes, lifestyle changes can help improve erectile function. These changes may include:
    • Regular exercise: Engaging in physical activity can improve blood circulation, which is crucial for maintaining healthy erectile function.
    • Healthy diet: A diet rich in fruits, vegetables, whole grains, lean protein, and healthy fats can support overall cardiovascular health, which is important for erectile function.
    • Weight management: Maintaining a healthy weight can have a positive impact on ED, especially if obesity is a contributing factor.
    • Stress reduction: High stress levels can contribute to ED. Engaging in relaxation techniques, such as meditation, yoga, or deep breathing, might help.
  3. Medications: Depending on the cause of your ED, your doctor might prescribe medications such as sildenafil (Viagra), tadalafil (Cialis), or vardenafil (Levitra). These medications can help increase blood flow to the penis and improve erectile function. However, they may have potential side effects and interactions, so it’s important to use them under medical supervision.
  4. Psychological Support: If psychological factors like anxiety, depression, or relationship issues are contributing to your ED, consider seeking therapy or counseling. A mental health professional can help you address these underlying issues.
  5. Hormone Therapy: In some cases, hormonal imbalances (such as low testosterone levels) can lead to ED. Hormone replacement therapy may be an option if your doctor determines it’s appropriate.
  6. Vacuum Devices : For individuals who don’t respond well to medications or other treatments, vacuum erection devices  could be considered. These typically used when other treatments have not been effective.

Remember, it’s important to have a thorough medical evaluation to determine the cause of your ED and receive personalized recommendations. Avoid self-diagnosis and self-medication, as this could potentially worsen the situation. Your healthcare provider will help you decide on the most suitable approach for your specific situation.

Causes of Erectile Dysfunction

Mental and emotional factors in ED

Both mental and emotional factors can contribute to erectile dysfunction (ED), and their significance can vary from person to person. It’s often not a matter of one being more important than the other, but rather how they interact and influence each other. Here’s a breakdown of both aspects:

Psychological Factors: Psychological factors can play a significant role in causing or exacerbating ED. These factors might include:

  • Anxiety: Performance anxiety, fear of not being able to satisfy a partner, or worries about sexual performance can lead to ED.
  • Depression: Feelings of sadness, hopelessness, and low self-esteem associated with depression can affect sexual desire and function.
  • Stress: High levels of stress, whether related to work, finances, or personal life, can impact the body’s ability to achieve and maintain an erection.
  • Trauma: Past traumatic experiences, such as sexual abuse, can have a lasting impact on sexual function.
  • Body Image Issues: Negative body image or dissatisfaction with one’s appearance can affect self-confidence and contribute to ED.

Emotional Factors: Emotional factors are closely tied to psychological factors and can include:

  • Relationship Issues: Communication problems, unresolved conflicts, and lack of emotional intimacy within a relationship can lead to ED.
  • Intimacy Concerns: Emotional distance or lack of emotional connection with a partner can affect sexual desire and performance.
  • Lack of Attraction: Not feeling emotionally or physically attracted to a partner can impact sexual interest.
  • Low Self-Esteem: Feeling unworthy or inadequate in general can extend to feelings of inadequacy in sexual situations.

In many cases, psychological and emotional factors can interact and create a cycle of ED. For example, experiencing ED once due to anxiety can lead to more anxiety about future sexual encounters, perpetuating the problem.

It’s important to note that while mental and emotional factors can contribute to ED, there can also be physical causes such as cardiovascular issues, diabetes, hormonal imbalances, and certain medications. Often, there’s a complex interplay between these factors.

If you’re experiencing persistent ED, it’s advisable to consult a healthcare professional. They can help you identify the underlying causes and recommend appropriate treatments, which might include therapy, medications, or lifestyle changes. Addressing both the mental/emotional and physical aspects is often key to effectively managing ED.

The “best” treatment for erectile dysfunction (ED)

This can vary depending on the underlying cause of the condition, individual health factors, and personal preferences. It’s important to consult a healthcare provider to determine the most appropriate treatment for your specific situation. Here are some common treatment options that your doctor might consider:

  1. Lifestyle Changes:
    • Healthy Diet: Adopting a diet rich in fruits, vegetables, whole grains, lean proteins, and healthy fats can support overall cardiovascular health, which is important for erectile function.
    • Regular Exercise: Engaging in regular physical activity can improve blood circulation and overall cardiovascular health.
    • Weight Management: Maintaining a healthy weight can positively impact erectile function, especially if obesity is a contributing factor.
    • Stress Reduction: Managing stress through techniques like meditation, yoga, or deep breathing can have a positive impact on ED.
  2. Oral Medications:
    • Sildenafil (Viagra), Tadalafil (Cialis), Vardenafil (Levitra), Avanafil (Stendra): These medications belong to a class called phosphodiesterase type 5 (PDE5) inhibitors. They work by increasing blood flow to the penis, aiding in achieving and maintaining an erection. Each medication has its own dosing and timing instructions, so it’s important to follow your doctor’s recommendations.
  3. Psychological Counseling or Therapy:
    • If psychological factors such as anxiety, depression, or relationship issues are contributing to your ED, therapy or counseling can help you address these underlying issues.
  4. Hormone Therapy:
    • If low testosterone levels are contributing to your ED, hormone replacement therapy might be considered under medical supervision.
  5. Vacuum Erection Devices:
    • These devices create a vacuum around the penis, drawing blood into it and causing an erection. A constriction ring is then placed at the base of the penis to maintain the erection.
  6. Penile Injections:
    • Medications like alprostadil can be injected directly into the penis to help induce an erection. This method can be effective, but it requires comfort with self-injections and careful dosage management.
  7. Alternative Therapies:
    • Some individuals explore alternative therapies such as herbal supplements, acupuncture, or shockwave therapy. However, the evidence for the effectiveness of these approaches can be limited, and it’s important to consult a healthcare provider before trying them.

The most suitable treatment for you will depend on factors such as your medical history, current health status, preferences, and the underlying cause of your ED. Remember that self-diagnosis and self-medication can be risky, so always consult a healthcare professional before trying any treatments.

Sexual Issues and Your Shadow

Shadow work and sexual problems

Shadow work is a psychological concept often associated with Carl Jung’s theories, and it involves exploring and integrating the hidden or suppressed aspects of your personality. It’s not a direct therapeutic approach for dealing with sexual problems, but it can indirectly help by promoting self-awareness, self-acceptance, and a deeper understanding of your emotions, desires, and fears.

Here’s how shadow work might contribute to addressing sexual problems:

  1. Self-Awareness: Shadow work encourages you to explore your unconscious mind, where your suppressed thoughts, desires, and fears reside. By becoming aware of these hidden aspects, you can gain insight into the root causes of your sexual issues.
  2. Identifying Triggers: Sexual problems are often triggered by past traumas, negative experiences, or societal conditioning. Shadow work helps you uncover these triggers and understand how they affect your thoughts, behaviors, and emotions related to sexuality.
  3. Self-Acceptance: Shadow work promotes self-acceptance by acknowledging and embracing all parts of yourself, even those you might consider shameful or undesirable. This acceptance can lead to a healthier attitude toward your own body and sexual desires.
  4. Emotional Healing: Sexual problems can be rooted in unresolved emotional issues. Shadow work provides a platform to process and heal these emotions, which can indirectly improve your overall emotional well-being and sexual experiences.
  5. Challenging Beliefs: Often, negative beliefs about oneself, body image, or sexuality contribute to sexual problems. Shadow work helps you identify and challenge these beliefs, replacing them with more positive and empowering perspectives.
  6. Communication: Shadow work enhances your communication skills by encouraging honest self-expression. This can facilitate better communication with partners about your needs, desires, and concerns, leading to more fulfilling sexual experiences.
  7. Couples Therapy: If your sexual problems involve a partner, shadow work can help both individuals engage in self-exploration and then come together to understand each other’s perspectives, fears, and desires. This can foster empathy and connection.
  8. Mind-Body Connection: Shadow work can improve your awareness of the mind-body connection, helping you recognize how psychological factors can impact physical experiences. This can be particularly relevant in addressing issues like performance anxiety.
  9. Empowerment: As you work through your shadows, you gain a sense of empowerment and control over your life. This newfound confidence can positively influence your approach to sexual situations.

It’s important to note that shadow work can be a challenging and introspective process. While it can provide many benefits, it’s not a replacement for professional therapy or medical treatment for sexual problems. If you’re dealing with significant sexual issues, it’s advisable to seek guidance from a qualified therapist, counselor, or healthcare professional who specializes in sexual health and psychology.

About shadow work 

 About the healing the shadow training

How can shadow work help with anxiety around sexual relationships?

Shadow work can be a valuable tool for addressing anxiety around sexual relationships by helping you uncover the underlying causes of your anxiety, promoting self-acceptance, and fostering a deeper understanding of your emotions and triggers. Here’s how shadow work can assist in managing anxiety related to sexual relationships:

  1. Identifying Triggers: Shadow work encourages you to explore the hidden aspects of your psyche that might be contributing to your anxiety. By identifying the triggers—such as past traumas, negative beliefs, or societal conditioning—you can gain insight into why you’re experiencing anxiety in sexual relationships.
  2. Uncovering Limiting Beliefs: Anxiety often arises from negative beliefs or self-perceptions. Shadow work helps you uncover these beliefs and question their validity. For example, if you hold beliefs about not being worthy of love or fearing rejection, shadow work can help you confront and reevaluate these beliefs.
  3. Exploring Trauma: Unresolved past traumas can significantly contribute to anxiety. Shadow work provides a safe space to explore and process these traumas, allowing you to heal and reduce the emotional charge they hold over your current experiences.
  4. Self-Compassion: Shadow work promotes self-compassion by encouraging you to embrace all aspects of yourself, including those that might be causing anxiety. This self-acceptance can lead to a greater sense of self-worth and reduce the intensity of anxiety.
  5. Understanding Triggers: Anxiety can be triggered by specific situations, memories, or emotions. Shadow work helps you understand why certain triggers provoke anxiety and how these triggers are connected to your past experiences and emotions.
  6. Emotional Regulation: Shadow work involves delving into your emotions and learning to manage them. Developing better emotional regulation skills can help you cope with anxiety more effectively, making it easier to navigate the complexities of sexual relationships.
  7. Communication Skills: Effective communication is key in any relationship, including sexual ones. Shadow work encourages honest self-expression, allowing you to communicate your fears, needs, and boundaries to your partner, which can help alleviate anxiety.
  8. Building Confidence: By facing and integrating your shadow aspects, you can build greater self-confidence. This newfound confidence can help you feel more secure in intimate situations, reducing anxiety.
  9. Changing Patterns: If you notice recurring patterns of anxiety in your relationships, shadow work can help you recognize these patterns and work to change them. This might involve shifting your responses to triggers or exploring alternative ways of thinking and behaving.
  10. Mindfulness and Presence: Shadow work often involves mindfulness practices, which can help you stay present and reduce anxiety by focusing your attention on the here and now, rather than worrying about the future or dwelling on the past.

Remember that while shadow work can be beneficial, it’s not a substitute for professional help. If your anxiety is severe or interfering with your well-being, seeking support from a qualified therapist or counselor who specializes in anxiety and relationships can provide you with personalized guidance and tools for managing your anxiety effectively.

Anxiety can play a significant role in various sexual problems

By exacerbating existing issues or even being a primary factor in causing problems. Some of the ways anxiety can impact sexual functioning and relationships include:

  1. Performance Anxiety: Anxiety about sexual performance, such as concerns about maintaining an erection, reaching orgasm, or satisfying a partner, can lead to difficulties in achieving or maintaining an erection (erectile dysfunction), delayed ejaculation, or difficulties in achieving orgasm.
  2. Low Desire: Anxiety and stress can diminish sexual desire by redirecting mental and emotional focus away from intimacy and pleasure. It can also lead to reduced energy levels and motivation for engaging in sexual activities.
  3. Body Image Issues: Anxiety about body image can lead to negative self-perception, making someone self-conscious and uncomfortable during intimate moments. This can lead to avoidance of sexual situations or reduced pleasure.
  4. Intimacy Avoidance: Generalized anxiety or social anxiety might lead someone to avoid intimate situations altogether, which can strain relationships and create emotional distance.
  5. Communication Breakdown: Anxiety can impair effective communication with partners, making it difficult to express needs, desires, and concerns, which are essential for healthy sexual relationships.

Increasing the strength of your “warrior archetype” can potentially help address these issues

By promoting qualities like assertiveness, self-confidence, and resilience. The warrior archetype, often associated with strength and courage, can be a useful psychological framework to draw upon when addressing sexual problems affected by anxiety. Here’s how:

  1. Confidence Building: The warrior archetype embodies self-assurance and inner strength. By tapping into this archetype, you can build confidence in yourself and your abilities, counteracting the self-doubt and performance anxiety that often accompany sexual problems.
  2. Assertiveness: Warriors are known for being assertive and standing up for their needs. By embracing this aspect, you can communicate your desires, boundaries, and concerns more effectively in sexual relationships.
  3. Facing Challenges: Warriors confront challenges head-on. Applying this mindset, you can tackle anxiety-related obstacles by confronting the root causes of your anxiety, such as past traumas or negative beliefs.
  4. Resilience: The warrior archetype embodies resilience in the face of adversity. Strengthening this aspect can help you bounce back from setbacks and navigate setbacks related to sexual problems.
  5. Empowerment: Warriors often represent empowerment and taking control of one’s life. Utilizing this archetype can empower you to take proactive steps toward addressing your sexual issues and seeking solutions.
  6. Mindfulness and Focus: Warriors are known for their focus and determination. Applying these qualities can help you stay present in sexual situations, reducing anxiety and enhancing the experience.

It’s important to remember that integrating the warrior archetype is just one approach and might not resonate with everyone. Addressing sexual problems and anxiety often requires a multifaceted approach that includes self-awareness, communication, professional guidance (from therapists, counselors, or medical professionals), and, in some cases, medication.

If you’re considering working with archetypes or psychological frameworks like the warrior archetype, it’s a good idea to do so under the guidance of a qualified shadow work facilitator.