More Open Communication Is The First Step In Treating Delayed Ejaculation
Which in essence means talking to your partner about your sexual problems. Often men with delayed ejaculation have convinced themselves and their partners that all is well, and continue trying to make love even in the face of a rather obvious problem – they don’t ejaculate!
And sure, while orgasm may not be everything in a sexual relationship, it does matter for the satisfaction and pleasure of both partners; it is the major reward that keeps us coming back to enjoy intercourse.
The next step in treating delayed ejaculation is to become more relaxed and at ease with each other: masturbating to the point of ejaculation with your partner in the room, or indeed lying next to you naked, can be a new experience for couples who have not developed open and frank communication.
Making a success of this exercise and becoming relaxed at such intimate exposure of yourself with your partner is a major step in successfully overcoming the problem.
The third step is for the man to try having his partner masturbate him to orgasm. Once again this is likely to bring out any difficulties in the relationship, including resentment and anger that the partners may have against each other.
Nonetheless reaching orgasm in this way is simply about relaxing, releasing inhibitions, and allowing oneself to be stimulated in a way that is truly arousing.
After achieving this, the next step in this approach to the treatment of delayed ejaculation is to have the man ejaculate closer and closer to the partner’s vaginal opening.
And the last step, as you may expect, is to wait until the man is close to orgasm and then insert his penis into his partner’s vagina just before he ejaculates. We often notice that when this is done, there is some kind of breakdown of psychological inhibition which allows the man to ejaculate more easily in the future.
You can think of treatment for retarded ejaculation as simply being about balancing the factors which affect the point during sexual arousal at which a man will ejaculate.
In other words, it’s about bringing back into balance all the factors that affect the speed with which a man comes during sex, so that the time between penetration and climax is once again within normal range.
Of course what’s “normal” depends on the individuals concerned – one couple might be happy with two minutes’ intercourse, while another couple might desire ten minutes or more.
One thing’s for sure though: it’s necessary for a man’s partner to help him overcome delayed ejaculation.
So if you’re in this situation, the first thing to do is probably have a look at the treatment program and read it through, so that you know exactly what is expected of your partner.
At this point, you can go and talk to her and discuss how you can work on your ejaculatory delay together.
Other Approaches To Treatment
Historically, many of the treatment methods for delayed ejaculation relied on training a man to ejaculate more easily by means of masturbation, using a gradual sequence of different forms of stimulation.
This began with him masturbating on his own and then moved through a series of steps where his partner would gradually come closer until he was able to masturbate with her in position ready for intercourse.
Just before he ejaculated, she would insert his penis into her vagina and hopefully the resulting ejaculation would enable him to relearn the “skill” of vaginal ejaculation.
This technique can apparently work in some cases, but it isn’t used much now because masturbating a man who has delayed ejaculation with however much force is needed to obtain an ejaculation just reinforces unhelpful patterns of stimulation.
Nonetheless in some cases a single ejaculation within the man’s partner’s vagina really is sufficient to change his sexual responses and enable him to ejaculate normally.
Much better though, is a treatment strategy that relies on re-establishing a man’s sexual arousal to the level where it’s adequate for ejaculation.
The Importance Of Being Aroused
In the end, sexual arousal has to be physical, not mental. It’s certainly true that fantasy can increase sexual arousal, but fundamentally arousal originates in the body. You see this most clearly in men over 50.
For a man of this age, fantasy alone may no longer produce an erection, and physical stimulation of his whole body is necessary to get him sufficiently turned on and erect to engage in sexual intercourse.
In other words, any treatment that produces an increase in physical arousal goes a long way to helping a man overcome delayed ejaculation. Drug treatament is also available.
However, since the problem is mostly psychological, that is probably the best treatment approach. Some options are discussed in this book by Rod Phillips.
But there are many other things that help as well: techniques that allow a man to find out the things that make him most sexually aroused; techniques to reduce critical thoughts, by using mental fantasy as a distraction; breathing techniques to increase relaxation; ways of reducing performance anxiety and encouraging a man to take his own pleasure in sex rather than striving to please his partner all time – all these and more form part of an integrated treatment method.
When a man has developed delayed ejaculation later in life, one aspect of treatment that can be helpful is to stop masturbating and to limit orgasmic release only to sexual intercourse. This can sometimes seem like an unappealing idea, but it’s often important in achieving good results.
And it’s easier to be successful at ejaculating during intercourse if you use appropriate sex positions which allow bodily movements that speed-up the man’s ejaculation (think man on top sex positions here!), and temporarily using fantasies which mirror those he uses during masturbation. See the video below for some examples….
These are only temporary steps that help to achieve the long-term goal of normal intercourse.
And if a man is really resistant to the idea of giving up masturbation, then he should do it in a different way, perhaps with his other hand, or perhaps using lubricant; anything, in short, to break the established pattern.
The best way is to find a way of stimulation the man during masturbation that resembles the stimulation of partnered sexual intercourse.
Of course, one of the more important things about treating retarded ejaculation is to ensure that the partner is fully on board with the therapy. This will include the woman taking some responsibility for finding ways to pleasure the man which increase his sexual arousal and which can also be incorporated into the couple’s lovemaking.
One area where the man himself may have work to do is around sexual fantasy: a man with delays in his ejaculation may find he needs to adapt his sexual fantasies so that, for example, the thoughts and fantasies he enjoys during masturbation are more in line with those which he experiences during sexual intercourse.
Anything that increases his view of the man’s view of the attractiveness of his partner, and makes him see his partner’s seductive or arousing qualities, will be helpful in turning him on, and so will anything that reduces the discrepancy between the man’s sexual fantasies and the real-life sex with his partner.
Why? Because the more the difference between his fantasy and the sexual experience he’s experiencing, the more severe and difficult his delayed ejaculation. These discrepancies can be linked to serious relationship problems, and make treatment more difficult.